Love Archives - Stephanie DelTorchio

Show Me Yours and I’ll Show You Mine

personal struggle/inspirational quote/Stephanie DelTorchio/befat.net

“No matter your battle, no matter your scars — visible or invisible — there were times when you were in a worse place and survived. Enjoy this day.”

I started this blog as a survivor’s celebration. One man. One woman. One family.

The purpose here is to share with you how to find the awesome in every day. Like I know, right?

But this is big news. The other day marked a huge anniversary of receiving a life saving bone marrow transplant — 17 years. This is stupidly remarkable.

The day we learned of the cancer prognosis was the worse day of our lives. If we were betting people we’d not have taken a two dollar bet to survive one month. Yet here we are. And a good reason why we don’t gamble.

Rewind a moment. Almost immediately we dug our heels in deep and vowed to fight like hell. “Finding the awesome” was a noble idea, a head fake to mask the truth when the world as we knew it felt twisted and rung dry.

That silver lining, the one everybody says to look for? Yeah, I didn’t find it most days. In real time my life imploded by the minute.

Here’s what I learned: A change in attitude is possible if you try really, really hard. But it ain’t easy when you feel bombarded and confused and out of your element. When everything you believed was your future and everyone you trusted to support you, suddenly folded up their tents and moved the circus out of town.

You hurt and bleed, and in time, regroup and carry on. As many times as necessary. But the scars are deep, and on days when they still itch I wear long sleeves.

Time heals all wounds? Whoever the f*ck said that has never even had a paper cut. Time may mask all wounds. Time may crust over all wounds. But the scar tissue remains deep under the surface. What you see on the outside fades to thin silvery white streaks barely noticeable to the normal eye. But you know. You carry them with you forever.

I totally forgot about this scar on my kneecap until the other day. Weird I thought. Where’d I get that? Then the day came back vividly. Hovey School playground. Third grade. I was wearing brand new red tartan cotton pants — just had to wear them after school because they were new. The boys and I raced around the schoolyard on bikes. I slid on a patch of gravel and hit the pavement hard, knee first, dragging my leg few feet under the bike. Ripped pants, lots of blood and a flap of skin.

The silver lining? The bike was okay. The boys made sure I was okay. I held it together as I walked the bike home, my leg killing me but not wanting them to see me cry.

I had totally forgotten about it but when I rubbed my knee, just like that the memory came back.

The other night in bed, watching the eleven o’clock news, my husband just drifting off to sleep I remembered something. I leaned over and gently shook him: “Happy Birthday,” I said. “Seventeen years.”

It took him a minute to open his eyes and smile.

“Really? I totally forgot.”

“You did?”

“No, I think about it everyday…I just forgot it was today. Unbelievable, huh?”

“Yeah.”

BE F*CKING AWESOME TODAY!

Original graphic and quote: Stephanie DelTorchio

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SPREAD A LITTLE SUNSHINE

#MotivationMonday

Remember the theme song from the old Mary Tyler Moore Show? “Who can turn the world on with her smile?”

Yeah. Be that person. Be the reason someone smiles today.

BE F-G AWESOME TODAY!

Original graphic: Stephanie DelTorchio

Image: Personal photo from Umbria, Italy/July 2016

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Table For One

Oscar Wilde quote/Now and then it is a joy/befat.net/Stephanie DelTorchio/8.18.2016

A former colleague of mine had remained a single woman into her early 40s. She owned a renovated beach bungalow. A lovely wardrobe of designer clothing. Drove a cute two-seater sports car. And her vacation time from work actually involved going on vacation, to a beautiful island or an extended stay at a spa resort. She treated herself well; setting “a proper table” at night which included a glass of wine and fresh flowers she bought twice a week from a vendor near our building.

As a mother of three school-aged kids, I couldn’t help being a bit envious of her Sex and the City lifestyle.

One day after work we wished each other a good-night. I harried off to gather my children, while she, with her stylish gym bag slung over her shoulder, headed in a totally different direction.

My Working-Mom-Part-2 ritual began. Three pick-up stops in a minivan followed by tug-of-war homework assignments while getting dinner on the table before baths and cleaning out backpacks. The Monday through Friday three ring circus. Still, the best part of every day was having our family around the table. Where everyone recapped their day. Caught up on schedules and who needed what by when, usually news to me.

“Mom, the bake sale is tomorrow. I said you’d make brownies with frosting, and sprinkles.”

At midnight, waiting for the brownies to cool, I romanced about my colleague. Probably soaking in a hot bubble bath sipping Chardonnay, while I made bologna and cheese sandwiches, then folded a load of warm laundry.

With the shoes and backpacks lined in a row by the door and the brownies wrapped, the dog patiently waited for me to call it a day. Instead, I poured a very tiny glass of red wine — to relax, you know.

One by one I shut the house lights. Then checked the bedrooms. The low breathing of my sleeping children brought a sense of completeness; another successful day — one where nobody broke a bone and the house didn’t burn to the ground.

Before going to bed I glanced around the living room with its scattering of books and puzzle pieces and Barbie doll body parts. The moonlight danced around it all, including the soccer cleats someone would forget tomorrow.

On the coffee table beside me, the pure and delicious scent of fresh lilacs, my favorite, filled the night with spring. Harvested from a neighbor’s yard, they had been a gift delivered with love by my seven-year-old daughter.

For a few minutes, in the quiet stillness, I sat alone enjoying my table for one. A final taste of wine, the smell of lilacs in the air and I headed off to bed. In the totally right direction.

BE F-G AWESOME TODAY!

Original Graphic: Stephanie DelTorchio

Quote: Oscar Wilde

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Be Aggressively Hopeful

Learn from yesterday, Live for today, Hope for tomorrow. Albert Einstein/befat.net/positive quotes

The lowest point in my husband’s cancer diagnosis is what we called “the double handshake”.

It’s when someone you’ve just met stands in front of you, shakes your hand and says, “good luck” and then places their other hand on top and says, “God bless”.

Everything that happened the day or week or year before didn’t seem to matter.

We were living in the today moment for sure. And it didn’t feel very good at all.

Thoughts of tomorrow felt out of reach, a pipe dream.

But very quickly you rely on the lessons and experiences of yesterday. You put on your big boy/girl pants. Make a decision to live in the present moment and deal with that, however ugly and scary it looks. Then wag a finger in the air and shout “fuck you!” and fight like hell for the hope of tomorrow.

BE F-G AWESOME TODAY!

Original graphic and quote: Stephanie DelTorchio

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Being Who You Choose To Become

be f-g awesome today/befat.net/positive quotes/Carl Jung quote 8.3.2016

We all carry bags of shit.

And the reason we do this is because somewhere, a very long time ago, somebody said something to us. Or did something to us. And it wasn’t very nice.

We got older. We brushed it aside. Put it over there, under that. We justified it. We accepted it as part of our past. We felt safe when we hid it. Or buried it out of sight.

With all our acquired grown-up skills we knew what “they” said or did, in the big scope of the world, didn’t amount to crap. But we continued to carry it anyway. In silence. Alone.

In a twisted way we hold on to the hurt, pain, guilt, burden, secret. Because it’s safe. And it’s our excuse to not do the things we want to do. We don’t say it out loud. We are the protectors and keepers of our past. We hold it very close.

But any of it, all of it, keeps us from becoming the curiosity seeker, the doer, the artist, the inventor, the writer, the teacher, the actress, the engineer, the parent — the real us. The person we desperately know is concealed and preserved under layers and layers of shit.

Here’s the thing: How long do you keep that up? How long to you let some person, event, comment — old negativity — burden your potential?

Make it stop. Now.

Tell the world out loud or quietly to yourself: “You are not the boss of me anymore. Love is my new boss.”

Then go be good to yourself today. Love yourself and become the you that you are meant to be.

BE F-G AWESOME TODAY!

Original graphic: Stephanie DelTorchio

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Plaster the walls

DO NOT ENTER.

NO OUTLET.

PROPER I.D. REQUIRED.

CLOSED.

FOR MEMBERS ONLY.

COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT.

USE CAUTION WHEN ENTERING.

NO SOLICITING.

QUIET AREA.

RESTROOMS FOR PAYING CUSTOMERS.

CASH ONLY.

NO RETURNS.

HELLO BEAUTIFUL. This should be the welcome sign on every building.

BE F-G AWESOME TODAY!

Original graphic and quote: Stephanie DelTorchio

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Enjoy the small things

enjoy the little things | father and child graphic | befat.net

After years of talking about it, my father finally planted a small vegetable garden — a few Roma tomato plants and some native strawberries.

He took tremendous pride in the two planter boxes he made from reclaimed lumber. Each day after work he toiled and watered his small piece of earth with great care.

We hardly paid him any attention when he tried to interest us in the virtues of composting. But bursted into hysterics when he told us pinching back “the suckers” made plants fat.

Our attitudes changed the day he bolted into the kitchen and made a big announcement to the family:

“We have strawberries! Get ready. I’ll be right back!”

We gathered around the kitchen table, wild with anticipation.

My mother washed and dried the largest ceramic bowl she owned. It was old Earthenware; a few chips on the brim with thin pink and blue stripes. Then she instructed one of us to “Get the colander. The big one.”

Small bowls lined in a row where all six kids would get our share of the tastiest, most juicy berries we’d ever eaten. This was Dad’s promise. And he kept his promises.

For weeks we’d heard plans for his bounty’s division: gallons of strawberry jam and night after night of strawberry shortcake for dessert. Even strawberries and cream — like proper English people, which we were not.

Dad entered the kitchen, with all the suspense of a good mystery. Hands behind his back, he smiled at us.

Why did he make us wait? How could he hold a humongous bucket of strawberries like that? Dad could do anything!

Then from behind his back he slowly brought in front of him…ONE strawberry. The largest, most brilliant colored, perfectly ripened strawberry I’d even seen. It equaled the size of my youngest brother’s fist. I swear it did.

“Isn’t she a beauty?” Dad asked us.

We clapped and agreed it was.

My mother looked around him. For a big bucket. A basket full. Something worthy of her cleaning out the great big bowl.

We’d expected bushels of strawberries yet he was as thrilled by his solo harvest as if it had been a truckload.

“That’s it?” she said.

What may have deflated a weaker man didn’t touch my dad. He sold the story with such excitement that the rest of us joined in without question.

Here’s the thing: He could have eaten it in the garden by himself. Enjoyed the warmth of it, the sweetness all alone, and later told us: It was just one strawberry.

Instead he made a production out of it. Held it up for all of his family to inspect. Expressed thanks to the strawberry as he gently washed and dried the FRUIT of his labor while my mother put away the empty bowl.

Dad placed the strawberry on the cutting board like an offering to the Gods. Then he sharpened his prized fishing knife while we patiently waited. Finally, with great skill he cut the very first berry in EIGHT EQUAL PIECES — one for each kid and one for mom and him.

The teeniest strawberry I’d ever eaten. And the best.

BE F-G AWESOME TODAY!

Original graphic and quote: Stephanie DelTorchio

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The mirror doesn’t lie

Beauty | funny graphic | befat.net | musings and rants on finding the awesome in every day

“Magic mirror, on the wall – who is the fairest one of all?”
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

I remember the day my mother said she didn’t recognize her own face. For clarity, she was completely mentally intact. Her issue was one of acceptance.

“When did I get to be an old lady?” she asked no one in particular.

She’d washed her face and looked in the mirror and saw a stranger. Her point being…just where did all the years go?

The woman inside was twenty something. Taunt, lean, fresh-faced and bright-eyed. Not the gray, sunken and pale reflection that reminded her of great-grandmother Catherine. (Her assessment, not mine)

Mirrors might as well be broken into pieces for the good they do for our self-esteem.

Because what we see is imperfection.

We use mirrors to nit pick and judge the importance of our physical reflection. Every stray hair in weird places or brown spot or crease makes us wish for a time machine to the past.

But the world sees you in ways the mirror can never reflect — your gifts, talents, skills, personality — the real you.

What we mourn as loss, deterioration, aging…are signs of life.

For all the funny memes and jokes about growing older, we know the truth about what we really see. We just need to make the mirror-head connection.

Lines are smile markers.

Creases are historical evidence of tears divided between happiness and sadness.

Wisdom proclaims itself in graying temples.

You’ve fully ripened like a fine wine. Sweet, deep, full-bodied (oh yeah I said it).

So what if your softening roundness is deposited here and there. It’s where you store your great and varied knowledge — which would look really weird if it were clumped all in one place.

No matter the reflection, the mirror doesn’t lie. The mirror tells us the truth. It says you have lived.

Today, spend time making peace with your reflection. Honor it. Love it. Take care of it.

Tell the reflection that what you see is a mask; a small fraction of your entire being. Yep, it’s changing. Yep, it’s thinner, shapelier days are behind you, literally.

Please know that your inner heart and spirit are where physical flaws go to die because they’re superficial and supersede death.

No one will come to your funeral and say: S/he had a perfectly shaped nose or a enviable jawline.

No, they’ll remember that you were here by how well you used your time and how you made them feel.

Take a good long look in the mirror. Got it?

Now go smash the crap out of it.

BE F-G AWESOME TODAY!

Original graphic and quote: Stephanie DelTorchio

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Stay with me

Don't quit on people who need you / befat.net / inspirational quote / #befat

Don’t quit on people who matter.

They may need to be loved only in our hearts. A safe distance away. To keep them from messing with our heads and getting on our nerves or under our skin.

We know they are hurting and we know we should be the bigger person.

Close our mouths when we have SO much to say. Unfurl our fists when it seems the way out of frustration is to punch the living shit out of something.

But you are the kinder and saner soul in this relationship. That’s why they irk you and they don’t know it (or maybe they do?). That’s why you pray for them. Send them light and rainbows. And draw the hard lines in order to protect yourself.

You’re not a bad person for keeping them away. It’s how you survive and maintain your sanity and live out the day in front of you.

But you can’t give up completely on the people who matter. Even after they’ve taken you down so many times. You find a way to get back up and tangle with them again and again. Because when all the anger, bitterness and contempt is peeled away, you care. Because that hurting person is part of your story.

BE F-G AWESOME TODAY!

Original graphic and quote: Stephanie DelTorchio

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