Relationships Archives - Stephanie DelTorchio

8 Ways To Shift Circumstances In Your Favor

George Bernard Shaw quote/inspirational/motivation/befat.net/Stephanie DelTorchio/9.21.2016

Some things in this life we cannot change. And no amount of wailing or whining helps, regardless of how Oscar-worthy our performance. Blaming our circumstances as the reason we can’t or don’t move forward is an excuse.

“David,” the son of alcoholic parents was tossed around the foster care system with two younger siblings until he ran away for good at sixteen. One foster family changed his name to “Michael” because they had a son by the same name.

Despite David’s troubled childhood he went on to have an honorable life with a wife and family. Sadly, his brother and sister died young from substance abuse. David was able to reconcile with his elderly and ill father in time to mend some wounds before his death.

What separated David from his siblings? Why did he fare better?

In his own words, he “made different choices.” He couldn’t change the circumstances of his upbringing, he said. Water under the bridge. But he sure as hell needn’t let his future be controlled by his past.

Whether he was aware or not, David committed to specific tactics that changed his life. Here are few —

8 Ways to Shift Your Circumstances:

1.Let those people go

People rank high on this list. If they’re messing with you, do your very best to cut them off, wave sayonara, send them light and love and kick them the f*ck out of your life once and for all.

2. Take this job and shove it

Ditto for a job or boss who doesn’t honor your time or talents or plain out makes you miserable. You need employment for many years to pay-to-play in this world. Find something that you’ll happily trade your precious time for a paycheck. And for someone who will value your contributions, and reward you. Or do it yourself.

“Circumstances do not make a man, they reveal him.” – Wayne Dwyer

3. Engage socially

Call on your tribe. Hang out with the right people, those who will support and share your ideas and ideals. Join groups or organizations that feed your mind and soul, if that’s what it takes. Often our circumstances will change based on the company we keep.

4. Big changes need big action

We know the definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result. If it’s a big change in your circumstances you want to make, you’ll need to take some big and ballsy actions. Step out of your comfort zone. Stick all your fears in your back pocket and take them along. Be brave.

“Your present circumstances don’t determine where you can go; they merely determine where you start.” — Nido Qubein

5. Go back to your childhood

Think back to when you were young. What made you laugh and happy when you were playing? You probably played OUTSIDE even in the rain. For hours and hours. You lost track of time building a “jigger” (go-cart), ice-skating, playing sandlot baseball or domestic bliss with your Easy Bake Oven. Play again. Get lost in the day again. Be childlike not childish.

6. Accept what is truly out of your control

Besides crooked front teeth or tropical storms, there are times when life’s unfortunate circumstances can feel as if darts have been hurled in our direction. We escape as best we can using every resource and tool we possess. Still, even with all our hard core training, awards, college degrees and adult smarts, there are days when life is a slow trudge through the mud. You just do the best you can.

“You can often change your circumstances by changing your attitude.”– Eleanor Roosevelt

7. Practice Gratitude

Nothing pushes the woe-is-me off the wall like making a list of blessings in your life. From a roof over your head to a working bladder, giving a shout-out to the Universe for what you DO have is a humbling exercise. It’s not a bad plan to make a short list every day before your feet hit the worn carpet that you’re also grateful for.

8. Get Quiet

Take a walk. Read a book. Meditate. Pray. Whatever works to calm your breathing and put your mind in park. Call it returning to center. Focus. Give it a name if you must as long as the result is a peaceful state of rest.

Back to “David” for a minute.

A tough childhood may have explained his behavioral issues as a teenager or his hardened opinion on what makes a healthy family. But at some point in his life he let the swan sing its song. No lying…he needed to get tough on himself and fight through a lot of hurt and anger. He chose who he wanted to become. The result was, for him, a happy life.

When it comes to coping and/or outwitting the less tragic circumstances, be more strategic. (Note: Of course Big Shit circumstances require more time and more than a few boxes of Band-Aids to fix.)

There’s no magic potion or quick fix being offered here. Old-fashion grit and tenacity, and a willing spirit, can put the odds in your favor to shift your circumstances. Not to just survive but thrive.

Notes from me to you:

What are some of the ways you’ve tried in the past to shift your circumstances?
Please comment below. Your insights and tips will help other people.

BE F*CKING AWESOME TODAY!

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Original graphic & quote: Stephanie DelTorchio

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A computer, a banana and a writer walk up to the bar

9.2.2016 BeFAT Jar Update

Here’s an update on the BeF.A.T. jar that I started on January 1st — eight months of finding something awesome in each day. It ain’t always easy people…

So my computer decided to freeze up today while saving a rather larger document.

Four-hundred and six tries later… Okay, slight exaggeration…

Instead of heaving the thing across the room — so wanted to — I wandered in circles around the house. Normal behavior for me to solve problems, and find missing reading glasses, and contemplate life’s great debates, like why all the fuss over paper versus plastic?

In truth, circling the furniture wastes a lot of time and begs more questions than answers.

When’s the last time this place got dusted? Is there a reason the light on the cable box has been blinking since 2004? And why is there a banana peel in the bathroom sink…Why? Who left it there?

I Know Derek

Derek and his friend Jane.

SPOTLIGHT: As often as possible I want to shine a light on some person, place or organization who epitomizes the Be F.A.T. way of life. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Derek.

Of all the joints…

On a recent summer evening I met Derek, and his beautiful friend, Jane, at a Jimmy Buffett concert. For Parrotheads, (followers of Jimmy Buffett and the Coral Reefer Band), making new friends is Cheeseburger in Paradise nirvana. We know every song by heart, dance with complete strangers and for the better part of the day, congregate in a tropical, if not quite, religious experience.

Turns out Derek, from Canada, is a traveling Parrothead. This concert was Derek’s ninety-seventh, he said, as in 9-7. I was impressed, and then quick to point out that if he’d put the money spent following J.B. and the band in the bank — tickets, travel, lodging, food — assuming a conservative compound interest rate, a sizeable nest-egg would finance his new sailboat. In cash.

If I Wanted Your Opinion…

I don't need your two cents/befat.net/quote/Stephanie DelTorchio/8.25.2016

“Keep your two cents…my jar is full.”

Has anybody ever said this to you, or eye-rolled you the equivalent?

Guilty. Not out loud, but the eye-roll is familiar to me.

This is another area in my life that needs an intervention. Or a mouth guard. Or industrial strength duct tape.

I’m sitting having breakfast with a friend in a coffee shop. She begins to unload her problems, at MY invitation. She’s called me to “vent” to a neutral party, someone who will not judge. Whose cone of silence is more legendary than “What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas.” Yep, I tell her, I’m your gal. Rant away.

I listen without so much as a half-batting eye.

I’m a stiff wood sounding board. Attentive and focused. Offering up a barely detectable throat clearing, a strategically inserted “ahh”, a consoling “I understand” or an in-your-face “damn straight you’re right”.

Table For One

Oscar Wilde quote/Now and then it is a joy/befat.net/Stephanie DelTorchio/8.18.2016

A former colleague of mine had remained a single woman into her early 40s. She owned a renovated beach bungalow. A lovely wardrobe of designer clothing. Drove a cute two-seater sports car. And her vacation time from work actually involved going on vacation, to a beautiful island or an extended stay at a spa resort. She treated herself well; setting “a proper table” at night which included a glass of wine and fresh flowers she bought twice a week from a vendor near our building.

As a mother of three school-aged kids, I couldn’t help being a bit envious of her Sex and the City lifestyle.

One day after work we wished each other a good-night. I harried off to gather my children, while she, with her stylish gym bag slung over her shoulder, headed in a totally different direction.

My Working-Mom-Part-2 ritual began. Three pick-up stops in a minivan followed by tug-of-war homework assignments while getting dinner on the table before baths and cleaning out backpacks. The Monday through Friday three ring circus. Still, the best part of every day was having our family around the table. Where everyone recapped their day. Caught up on schedules and who needed what by when, usually news to me.

“Mom, the bake sale is tomorrow. I said you’d make brownies with frosting, and sprinkles.”

At midnight, waiting for the brownies to cool, I romanced about my colleague. Probably soaking in a hot bubble bath sipping Chardonnay, while I made bologna and cheese sandwiches, then folded a load of warm laundry.

With the shoes and backpacks lined in a row by the door and the brownies wrapped, the dog patiently waited for me to call it a day. Instead, I poured a very tiny glass of red wine — to relax, you know.

One by one I shut the house lights. Then checked the bedrooms. The low breathing of my sleeping children brought a sense of completeness; another successful day — one where nobody broke a bone and the house didn’t burn to the ground.

Before going to bed I glanced around the living room with its scattering of books and puzzle pieces and Barbie doll body parts. The moonlight danced around it all, including the soccer cleats someone would forget tomorrow.

On the coffee table beside me, the pure and delicious scent of fresh lilacs, my favorite, filled the night with spring. Harvested from a neighbor’s yard, they had been a gift delivered with love by my seven-year-old daughter.

For a few minutes, in the quiet stillness, I sat alone enjoying my table for one. A final taste of wine, the smell of lilacs in the air and I headed off to bed. In the totally right direction.

BE F-G AWESOME TODAY!

Original Graphic: Stephanie DelTorchio

Quote: Oscar Wilde

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Please Forgive Yourself Today

Forgive yourself/befat.net/8.9.2016

I grew up a nice little girl. Played by the rules. Did my homework. Ate my peas. Came in the house when the street lights came on.

As the years went by, I screwed up. A lot. Nothing jail-worthy mind you. Just enough bad decisions and careless choices that cost me time, money and people. This is called growing up, I guess.

In the aftermath, I could have been a lot nicer to myself. Spent less time beating myself up for what I DIDN’T do more than for what I did.

While I wallowed and self-sabotaged years of my life, opportunities were missed. I suffered many false starts. Double backed on adventures and said, “No, thank you” when I should have said, “Hell, YES!”.

I licked the wounds of my failures, believing of course that I deserved every cut and bruise.

I had years of lost ambition. More of excessive ambition. Under compensating. Over compensating. I ran super hot on ideas and projects and then icy cold. Nothing was ever lukewarm or neutral for me. I was my own worst enemy.

People could kick me, but no one, NO ONE, tossed me down with as much anger and force as I did to myself.

My list of insecurities loomed larger than mere feelings of “unworthiness”. I believed other people’s truths about me, as told to me. “You suck” remains one of my personal favorites.

Why do we do this?

Because the bad stuff is easier to believe than the good.

Somewhere down deep inside I accepted all the crap as truth. My soul slowly tarnished until it hardened and its light went out. Such a freaking waste of time and energy. And you can’t ever get it back.

One day, it just happened. Without any forethought or warning.

I gave in.

Gave up on it all.

On my knees. Rung dry. Depleted. Fully wasted of energy and emotion. I was tired of carrying all the weight — the guilt, shame, miscues, failures, lies, burdens, wrong turns, right turns for the wrong reasons — all my history from age ten on to this moment in time, rolled itself into a huge twisted ball of self-hate. I was flat out exhausted from trying to keep everything and everybody afloat.

I did suck. At everything I touched.

Up the pole went my white flag.

It was in my basement. I’d sent the kids off to school and started a load of laundry before heading out to work. The meltdown came like a rush of water. The dog my unintended psychologist.

“What do I do Misty? Tell me. No, I’ll tell you! I’m done with it. Done with all of it. All of this. Okay? Got it? Hear me?”

In that musty basement, sorting whites and darks, I gave myself the greatest gift. I offered a not-so-silent prayer of forgiveness.

“Yes, you’re a fuck up. Yes, you made a mess of things. Yes, you hurt people. Yes, you hurt yourself MORE. Remember this: You did the best you could with what you had and what you knew at the time. Today, we clean house. Set it straight. Today, I forgive you. Understand me? For all of it. Fuck them if they don’t forgive you because this is not about them. This is about your survival. Your future. Your life. And your family’s life — everyone under this roof who matters. Remember he told you that? I hereby forgive you for trying. I forgive you for failing. I forgive you for every word you uttered or wrote in defense. Whatever is holding you by the heels, peel it away. Get free. Start again. Listen to me: I LOVE YOU. Go make a life. And don’t come back to this place again. I swear if you do I’ll find you and kick you into the next lifetime.”

Before the spin cycle finished my attitude and perspective had changed. I knew it would get better from here. This fully granted absolution washed away the dirt and grime and stink of it all.

But my little forgiveness lecture cost me a lot. I had been a silent sufferer. Putting on a strong happy face for so long and then taking this public position, trust me, didn’t win me any fans.

Many people walked the other way.

When I stopped being everybody’s go-to and yes-girl the invitations stopped arriving and the doors slammed in my face. Opportunities shut down. I found out who my real friends were. And they were few.

It hurt. I was sad.

But in front of me was a new beginning.

It looked dark and bleak for a while. A long while, in fact.

But in time new invites arrived. Doors slowly creaked open. And the people and opportunities behind them were much brighter than I could have imagined.

All because I forgave myself and did some house cleaning. Win-win.

BE F-G AWESOME TODAY!

Original graphic and quote: Stephanie DelTorchio

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Be Aggressively Hopeful

Learn from yesterday, Live for today, Hope for tomorrow. Albert Einstein/befat.net/positive quotes

The lowest point in my husband’s cancer diagnosis is what we called “the double handshake”.

It’s when someone you’ve just met stands in front of you, shakes your hand and says, “good luck” and then places their other hand on top and says, “God bless”.

Everything that happened the day or week or year before didn’t seem to matter.

We were living in the today moment for sure. And it didn’t feel very good at all.

Thoughts of tomorrow felt out of reach, a pipe dream.

But very quickly you rely on the lessons and experiences of yesterday. You put on your big boy/girl pants. Make a decision to live in the present moment and deal with that, however ugly and scary it looks. Then wag a finger in the air and shout “fuck you!” and fight like hell for the hope of tomorrow.

BE F-G AWESOME TODAY!

Original graphic and quote: Stephanie DelTorchio

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Good Day or Bad Day?

Before you put your feet on the floor take a moment. Set your mind today to how you will enjoy the day.

What must you accomplish?

What do you wish to do?

Someone to see?

Start something new?

Finish a project?

Travel somewhere?

Whatever you decide can be set up first thing in the morning.

And when another person tries to change your mind (or mindset) and steal your joy by waving their drama in your face today, tell them to back off.

Nobody deliberately wakes up and chooses to have a bad day. But there are people out there whose sole purpose seems to be to take yours away. Don’t let it happen.

Because you woke up today with a plan. You’ve chosen to have a f-g awesome day.

BE F-G AWESOME TODAY!

Original graphic and quote: Stephanie DelTorchio

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Enjoy the small things

enjoy the little things | father and child graphic | befat.net

After years of talking about it, my father finally planted a small vegetable garden — a few Roma tomato plants and some native strawberries.

He took tremendous pride in the two planter boxes he made from reclaimed lumber. Each day after work he toiled and watered his small piece of earth with great care.

We hardly paid him any attention when he tried to interest us in the virtues of composting. But bursted into hysterics when he told us pinching back “the suckers” made plants fat.

Our attitudes changed the day he bolted into the kitchen and made a big announcement to the family:

“We have strawberries! Get ready. I’ll be right back!”

We gathered around the kitchen table, wild with anticipation.

My mother washed and dried the largest ceramic bowl she owned. It was old Earthenware; a few chips on the brim with thin pink and blue stripes. Then she instructed one of us to “Get the colander. The big one.”

Small bowls lined in a row where all six kids would get our share of the tastiest, most juicy berries we’d ever eaten. This was Dad’s promise. And he kept his promises.

For weeks we’d heard plans for his bounty’s division: gallons of strawberry jam and night after night of strawberry shortcake for dessert. Even strawberries and cream — like proper English people, which we were not.

Dad entered the kitchen, with all the suspense of a good mystery. Hands behind his back, he smiled at us.

Why did he make us wait? How could he hold a humongous bucket of strawberries like that? Dad could do anything!

Then from behind his back he slowly brought in front of him…ONE strawberry. The largest, most brilliant colored, perfectly ripened strawberry I’d even seen. It equaled the size of my youngest brother’s fist. I swear it did.

“Isn’t she a beauty?” Dad asked us.

We clapped and agreed it was.

My mother looked around him. For a big bucket. A basket full. Something worthy of her cleaning out the great big bowl.

We’d expected bushels of strawberries yet he was as thrilled by his solo harvest as if it had been a truckload.

“That’s it?” she said.

What may have deflated a weaker man didn’t touch my dad. He sold the story with such excitement that the rest of us joined in without question.

Here’s the thing: He could have eaten it in the garden by himself. Enjoyed the warmth of it, the sweetness all alone, and later told us: It was just one strawberry.

Instead he made a production out of it. Held it up for all of his family to inspect. Expressed thanks to the strawberry as he gently washed and dried the FRUIT of his labor while my mother put away the empty bowl.

Dad placed the strawberry on the cutting board like an offering to the Gods. Then he sharpened his prized fishing knife while we patiently waited. Finally, with great skill he cut the very first berry in EIGHT EQUAL PIECES — one for each kid and one for mom and him.

The teeniest strawberry I’d ever eaten. And the best.

BE F-G AWESOME TODAY!

Original graphic and quote: Stephanie DelTorchio

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Be going forward always

The past holds valuable lessons and wonderful memories. Cultural traditions. Rituals. Ethnic foods. A namesake or piece of long-held property. What we know of our personal family history tells us about who we are and how we got here. That’s all. Our present and future depends on what we do with it, and is our responsibility of what we wish to leave behind.

We seek ancestry records to fill in missing links and often the findings are amazing because they are unexpected. Revelations bring our past up to date with our future. It centers our place on this planet. I am a descendant of these people who traveled here from there.

Discovery isn’t always pleasant. To learn that you are not royalty or heir to some ubiquitous island in Pacific can be a bummer. But to learn that your distant relatives were horse thieves or slave owners or tortured by radicals makes one feel tainted. Or learning that so many died at an early age from influenza or other easily treated disease, by today’s standard, makes one sad.

We dream of being Royal blood, to confirm what we’ve always felt: I am a Queen. Or at least in my bloodline.

By chance I met a woman who I learned was a distant relative of mine. It was exciting at first, until she presented “facts” that my father’s family were “the bad seeds” and she was from the better side of tree.

More recently I attended a bridal shower and was seated at a random table with no one I knew. We made polite conversation throughout the dinner. The woman directly across from me engaged in a random conversation about painting and artwork. I’d painted a gift for the bride. I showed a few of my sign paintings to the woman. One was a six foot reclaimed barn board with the city name Gloucester and the distance 20 miles underneath. She asked if I lived 20 miles from the city.

“It’s a translation of my mother’s name – 20 miles means Ventimiglia in Italian.”

File Jul 05, 9 56 53 AM

She thought a minute about this and asked if I knew another family that she thought she might be related to. Indeed I did. I told her the connection to my mother. She gave me her maiden name, a common name in the city that branched out across the city. Her maiden name was my grandmother’s maiden name.

“Okay,” I said. “Let’s play the game…Who is your father.”

He shared the same name as probably 100 men in the city.

“Who is your grandfather?”

She told me but said he never went by his given name.

I leaned over towards her and smiled: “Did he go by the name Scotty?”

She smiled. “Yes.”

I said: “Uncle Scottie is your grandfather?”

“Who are you?”

“Etta is was my grandmother.”

“AUNT Etta is your grandmother?”

Instantly I had a new relative. A close relative. Discovered by chance?

2016-04-21 21.33.58

It turns out she’d done extensive research on our family tree. That night I discovered by Italian roots were quite shallow. That we are more than 80% Celtic. News to me.

Because we are shoots from the same tree doesn’t make our past our future. Respect those before you. Thank them for getting you here.

BE F-G AWESOME TODAY!

Original graphic and quote: Stephanie DelTorchio