Self-Love Archives - Page 13 of 13 - Stephanie DelTorchio

Self Judgment Day

So you’re waiting in line at the Pearly Ones trying to get your story straight.

Maybe you’ve kept a running list and brought it with you– the general accounting of your life, written in your best penmanship. Years of good deeds, annual generous donations, personal sacrifices, and a few token sins tacked on the end (c’mon now people). You figure a comprehensive list along with a humble dose of humility and apostolic reverence just might be enough to squeak by. Good for you.

I don’t have a list.

Not sure it would do much good.

There isn’t a person alive (or an angel-winged Bouncer at a Gate) that will ever judge me harder than I judge myself. Where I excuse others and give them a pass, this gal spent years wrapping her own knuckles with criticism, judgment, condemnation, and unforgiveness. Years I can’t get back or do-over.

See, I think about this life a lot. Every day. All day. At night, as lay me down to sleep, I take an accounting of the day. Did I waste it? Did I spend it with people I love, eating delicious food, laughing, helping? Was there wine? Lots of wine? Did I contribute rather than burden? Was I available? Aware? Involved? Kind? Thankful? Did I learn something? Did I grow?

I can’t fall asleep until I give thanks and forgive myself with the promise that, if given the chance, I’ll try better tomorrow.

With aging comes the awareness of the finite time on this planet and the realization that I need to stop screwing up and fly straight. I don’t want to end up a bitchy old lady still wondering when my happy days plan to show up.

It is my responsibility to own this life and enjoy it. And because I now know this, damn it, I need to live this way until the very end.

I truly believe the only accounting necessary on my last breath is an answer to a simple question: Did you enjoy your life, Steph?

The rest of my time here is dedicated to making sure my answer is: “You’re damn right I did!”

BE F-G AWESOME TODAY!

Original quote and graphic: Stephanie DelTorchio
Quote from A Few Good Men: “You’re damn right I did!”

Walk Across the Bridge

I live in an island town that is attached to the mainland by a bridge. The locals joke about “going over the bridge” as if crossing to the other side leads to some vast foreign abyss. And for some people it might be. They stay, from birth to death, with or without regrets. I don’t know. What is clear is that many people only toy with the idea of trying something new; someday, right?

Whatever the bridge represents to you — new job, begin or end of a relationship, health choice, a new home, etc. –- requires you to face your fear of the unknown. Fear can be paralyzing. Fear keeps us stuck on this side of the bridge. The side where we know every crack in the street and how to side step them. Where the old man sitting on the street corner waves when we drive by because he knows us by name. It’s familiar, and safe.

By staying on this side of the bridge we may never know what else is out there. Maybe it’s better, maybe not.

Don’t buy into the “grass is always greener” nonsense. This is spoken by people afraid to try a different brand of sliced bread.

Any deviation from the same, regular, predictable behavior is blasphemy. I heard this when I dared to move off the island.

You are here to explore and expand beyond your fenced in safe little yard. To not do so is to cheat yourself of what could be.

The challenge is to go over the bridge. Pack up your fears and worries and stomach butterflies and go. Crawl, walk, run or skip over. It doesn’t matter. Just go.

You can always come back over the bridge, but never in the same way.

BE F-G AWESOME TODAY!

Poem and original graphic: Stephanie DelTorchio

You Can Always Float

Sometimes life feels like one big ocean trying to swallow you up. You’re swimming and swimming, just barely holding your head above the water. Not always, but sometimes.

A random example: Building or purchasing your dream home. Your best laid plans can take a hit when any one of a thousand glitches happens — and something always happens! Inspections go bad, building materials fail to show on time, the plumber is delayed on another project, so you’re delayed.

In the meantime your landlord (or mother) wants you out. You have visions of living on the street dragging a garbage bag that holds all your possessions. Okay, that’s extreme.

Hopefully, eventually, all works out and you get to live in your dream home with your family for many happy years. You just need to keep your head above the water long enough until you reach dry land or be discovered by a pleasure boat at cocktail hour. See? It all ends well.

But other times your “life swim” has more serious consequences. An illness. Unemployment. The death of a loved one or close friend. Perspective enlightens. A late shipment of roof shingles is way different than a poor health prognosis or the real possibility of losing your dream home due to financial hardship or disaster beyond your control.

Even then, please know that at any time — ANY TIME — you can stop swimming.

I learned this, like others, the hard way.

I didn’t know floating was an option.

I swam faster and harder, doing everything I could to not drown. The harder I tried, the more I took in, the heavier I felt, more exhausted my body became. At some point I wished to just drown already. If only I knew enough to–

Stop fighting so hard.

Save my breath.

Relax my muscles.

Gather my strength — and FLOAT.

BE F-G AWESOME TODAY!

Image credit: Christopher Campbell/Unsplash
Original graphic: Stephanie DelTorchio

Good Enough Today

In big bold letters the bumper sticker said: “I am not good enough.”

This statement, of course is a “feeling”. A bad one. And it is self-inflicted.

The full-to-capacity crowd at the daily I Am Not Good Enough cocktail party were guests in my head. Shit, I hand wrote the invitations with a calligraphy pen. I opened the door to every negative thought, life-sucking emotion and self-defeating attitude that whispered my way. Together we wallowed and moaned over cheap hors d’oeuvres and watered down drinks. They partied hard, stayed late and left behind a mental hangover.

My party ran in syndication for years. You’d think there were awards, perks or residuals for such a long run. Instead I ended up depressed and isolated with deep wrinkles across my face. Even I didn’t want to be with me.

Feeling good enough (or worthy enough) is different than actually being good enough. I may feel good enough to play recreational basketball in an over-the-hill league, but being an over-the-hill, petite female, I am not good enough to play NBA basketball. Let’s be honest here.

The Good Enough Manifesto

I am not delusional, but I am hard on myself when it comes to feeling good enough to do most things. Especially my lifelong desire to become a writer.

It started when I was about 12 and ended one day, just like that, forty years later.

The doors to the I’m Not Good Enough party closed for good. I can’t explain how exactly, but the why is easy. Exhaustion overtook my life. The repetitive chattering, uttered nasty barbs of my own construct finally took its toll.

It was a start. And it didn’t happen in one swoop. Changing the rhetoric from

I’m not good enough, to

I’m good enough today

gave me the latitude I needed to accept that each day would bring its own challenges. With a new shift in attitude I could handle the inevitable trips and falls. Knowing I’d done my best that day (and some days I totally sucked) had to be good enough if I was going to get to the next day and the next.

It’s a new party.

I write every day. My stuff isn’t brilliant or award-winning and that doesn’t matter. I sit down, show up and put in the effort to get better. The whispers and chatter around me are none of my concern. They can bang on the door but they’re not getting in.

I am Good Enough Today. It’s a feeling. And it’s good one.

BE F-G AWESOME TODAY!

Awesome SELF-LOVE

Original graphic: Stephanie DelTorchio
Manifesto: kaleandchocolate.com

Be A Little Brave Today

Don’t confuse personal achievements (being a little brave) with giant and heroic acts of bravery.

Men and women in the military. First responders. Our brothers and sisters who run toward the chaos when most of us run in the opposite direction; brave giant acts of the highest order by true heroes.

Cancer patients, women and children in crises, lonely and ailing elderly, and many others who face day to day struggles, whose today is the brave decision(s) they will make to survive.

Please send them all a blessing today.

I’m speaking about those of us who live afraid, under the awning, three rows back in the crowd. Raise your hand.

Do you remember as a child being egged on by friends to do something? Be your friend. Give yourself a nudge. Push just a little bit to get to the next level. If you don’t know about levels ask anyone under twenty-one. Your collecting coins towards the top of the leader board.

To be a little brave is to step outside of what’s normal. It’s reaching a bit deeper, away from what feels comfortable.

To be a little brave today is to take the stairs instead of the elevator, knowing you may need to stop after five steps to catch your breath. You’re overweight. It’s no secret. Your body knows it needs the exercise.

To be a little brave today is to talk to the stranger who looks lost. Not everyone who doesn’t look like you is a psychopath. They may need to find an emergency room, the post office or the nearest coffee shop!

To be a little brave today is to volunteer for the community play because you always wanted to be on Broadway. It’s too late you say? Don a fun wig, assume a strange accent. Go play in a play. They need extras.

To be a little brave today is to send out your poem or story or pitch or enter your photographs, drawings or paintings into a show. Trust me, the world will not fall to pieces (and neither will you) if you don’t win a blue ribbon.

To be a little brave today is to make a call, send a note, or knock on the door of the person you want to reconcile with before you die. (If they’ve put a restraining order on you, skip this little act of personal bravery — this is the definition of flagrant stupidity).

To be a little brave today is to say “YES!” this one time when you routinely say no. Yes, saying “no” is the easy, familiar, and predictable path. Imagine the possibilities when you finally say yes. Imagine the good ones!

Be unexpectedly BRAVE today! #BeFAT

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One little brave act begets another and another. Five stairs today, six tomorrow. A simple “I’m sorry” card today, the potential for a rekindled relationship next week. Those amazing photos you shared all over social media today get the attention of a fine arts dealer next month. Say “yes” to volunteer (yes, again!) and meet the most amazing mentor or confidant or supporter.

The possibilities of being a little brave today? Endless.

BE F-G AWESOME TODAY!

Awesome BRAVERY

Original graphic: Stephanie DelTorchio

Daily Examination of Faults

As I put my head down at night I’m of the belief that my place on the planet is made better because I’ve cleared my conscious of my every fault. (Insert laugh track here).

I’ve been taught to ask/pray for forgiveness and poof, it is granted. Like some all powerful wizard waving a big magic wand with the admonition “go forth and do better next time girl.” It sounds too simplistic: A GET OUT OF JAIL FREE card for Dummies.

Where’s the responsibility here?

In reality, I stop counting my faults (and flaws) after a dozen or so or I’d never sleep. If you’re anything like me, you are riddled with (decades long) guilt, shame, intolerance, fear, dilution, incompetence, gluttony — c’mon sistahs and brothas, pizza and chocolate are the fault line between pleasure and pain.

“Pizza and chocolate are the fault line between pleasure and pain.” #BeFAT

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This daily examination is exhausting! But probably necessary. It doesn’t clean the slate but it does make us acutely aware of each day we are here. Our responsibility then is to live this awesome life, on purpose.

Today I find myself more in tune with my mortality. I refuse to waste an entire day mulling over some person or some thing out of my control. I’m okay dealing with shit within my cone of existence, but I’ve handed the Baton of Control to those who can handle it a whole lot better than me.

Our purpose here is to live an awesome life. It is given to us pure and whole, with great love and affection. And we do a very fine job fucking it up.

When we re-examine our faults the “collateral damage” shows on the faces of the people closest to us.

This daily check-in gives us a do-over. It’s a free pass with conditions, provisos and stipulations. You get to do it again but this time you know better so you are implored to do better.

And if you think you have nothing to fix, adjust or re-arrange, go back and look again. We’re human. We’re fallible. We mess up. A lot. And we can fix it.

BE F-G AWESOME TODAY!

Awesome Do-Over

Original graphic: Stephanie DelTorchio

Be the Parent of You

How many times has the “adult” you pointed blame at your (elderly, or deceased) parents for your “adult” life’s shortcomings? (quotes intentional)

Let this one go away. Please. Besides it being in the past, the replay of your tirades and whining is annoying to everyone around you. Every word you utter and thought you circle over and over chips away at your health and happiness.

I mean, c’mon. We’re all grown-ups here. Whose childhood didn’t suck on some level? I didn’t get a brand new bike for Christmas. So what. Should I go back and sue my parents? When I reached high school, I got a job and understood the value of an earned dollar. I bought a bike which I rode for over 25 years (yeah, it was a nice bike). I treated it like the prized possession it was to me.

Maybe your parents didn’t have the money for a new bike at Christmas. Or have friends to invite your family to their beach house. Perhaps their marriage lacked passion, or partnership and they hid their feelings from you; or you had a single parent who faced their fears of raising you alone.

Do you think your parents’ dreams, aspirations, goals and desires got put on hold a while because they were raising you? Surely your parents felt the pain of their flaws, inadequacies, fears. They too were misunderstood, judged, lonely, rejected, and ridiculed under the noses of their own parents, your dear sweet Granny and Grampy.

So you have this burden. This SOS (Sack of Shit) you’ve carried around since when? Fourth grade? And because why? You didn’t get a friggin’ pony? You weren’t perched on a pedestal revolving under a white light 24 hours a day?

My parents had six kids and one income; I have three and two incomes. My worry is one-half minus one-half of theirs. I have no idea how they raised six kids into adulthood.

I’ll bet many parents, mine for sure, grappled each day with how to provide a balanced meal and electricity; your ego, however fragile and developing, nary a thought.

It’s a circle of life thing. And each generation tries to do better.

Here are three facts to consider:

You cannot change your childhood.
You cannot change your parents.
You certainly as hell can change your attitude.

And if you are a parent, please rip out the lesson(s) from your own parent’s playbook; the one(s) that sends you off the deep end, make you crazy and angry and grumble and complain.

Because sure as the sun rises and sets, your children will find something to hold a grudge against you someday. And worse of all you’ll be shocked and cry “Foul!” by the allegations. All you did was try to provide for your children in the best way you could with the tools and knowledge and resources available. And however that is perceived twenty years down the road by your children is none of your business!

Today, forgive your parent(s) for whatever crap they did or did not do. Like it or not they got you here. Today, send a silent blessing to your parent(s) and offer a quick prayer of forgiveness. Get that monkey off your back once and for all.

Shut up. Grow up.

Today, be the parent of you. Nurture yourself. Inspire yourself. Encourage yourself.

Today, be the Parent of You. #BeFAT

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Shower yourself with all the love, affection and adoration you didn’t get from them. Support your dreams, goals, desires without censorship; swing for the bleachers on this one. Go after whatever it is that speaks to you. Be to yourself what you wish had been given to you way back when.

Just stop pointing blame and using your parent(s) as the excuse for not making a good life for yourself. It’s stale.

You’re in charge now. Use today as the starting point. Get up. Wash your face. Be grateful for the day. Go get a damn pony if you want. Where your life goes from here is all on you.

Go BeF.A.T.

[Serious note here: If you indeed had parents who were truly abusive, I pray the collective Universe shines brightly upon you and heals the deep wounds that have been the source of your lifelong pain. I can never scratch the surface to begin to understand such betrayal of a parent to a child. Please do your very best to be good to you.]

BE F-G AWESOME TODAY!

Awesome SELF-LOVE
Awesome REWIND

Original graphic: Stephanie DelTorchio

You’ve Always Had the Power

Today you might face a struggle. You question your strength to start, or continue. It’s a battle. Uphill. There are obstacles. Some you know are coming but have no idea around which corner you’ll trip and fall, or when.

It’s slow going, or worse, a step backwards. You ask: How long can I keep this up? When will it end? Will it get better?

I know it’s a simple movie line, but it’s incredibly powerful:

You’ve Always Had The Power. #BeFAT

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“You’ve always had the power,”

A confirmation statement that within you is all the strength, courage, fearlessness, tenacity and resources you need to overcome today.

And that’s a key, my friends. Today. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. Today.

When you realize that you only need to have the power to get through today, the huge burden you carry is a teeny tiny bit lighter. You don’t have to solve it or resolve it all.

ON THIS DAY, you have the power to make it. To figure out how to get from Point A to Point B in one piece with your sanity intact. You’ve always had the power. Use it.

BE F-G AWESOME TODAY!

Awesome POWER

Original graphic: Stephanie DelTorchio

Eat Well. Exercise. Die Anyway.

Most days I am good to my body.

In a blender goes some spinach or kale, a clump of parsley, spoonful of avocado, a stalk of celery, filtered water and a scoop of green pea protein powder. I might do a few reps with hand weights to fight the underarm jiggles, or walk the beach, or ride the bike.

Then there’s the other days. When I eat a chocolate-covered donut or anything fried. When the most exercise I get is throwing some clothes into a washing machine –- not exactly dragging them down to the river and beating them with a stone eh?

I’ll bet our ancestors didn’t count carbs or check their Fitbit or practice intermittent fasting. No…their regular day was packed with physical exercise: up at dawn, milking cows, tilling land, scrubbing clothes (with a stone??), chopping wood, etc. They ate what they grew and raised and slaughtered. Their daily focus was survival.

It’s doubtful I’d survive such a life. I’ve been domesticated, like some prairie animal. Television and magazines bombard me with ads for exercise equipment, creams, lotions, potions, medications to help me do this, or, God forbid, not do that!

I’ve made peace with getting older and my inconsistent eating and exercise patterns. I consider it a privilege to wake up. And I offer up gratitude every day my feet hit the floor. Sagging underarms, drooping lids, gray hairs and all.

It’s my obligation to enjoy my life. And not beat myself for eating half a bag of salty pretzels. And not doing 100 burpees. Tomorrow I’ll eat better and do some squats. Maybe.

Today I’m holding to the mantra I adopted a few years ago:

EAT WELL. EXERCISE. DIE ANYWAY.

It’s going on a t-shirt. Because you can’t have too many t-shirts.

BE F-G AWESOME TODAY!

Awesome Tshirt
Awesome Self-Love

Original graphic: Stephanie DelTorchio

10 Things Never To Do Again

“Happiness is not a goal; it’s the by-product of a life well lived.” — Eleanor Roosevelt

time suckers 10 things to never do again I got to thinking about the things I really enjoy doing and why I don’t do them more often. For me these things revolve around relationships, travel, food (and yes that includes wine), and writing.

What do you enjoy? Do you find yourself skipping over the fun stuff because there’s just “not enough time”?

Unless you plan or schedule time to do those fun and interesting things, it’s easy to become a proverbial hamster on the wheel. The 24 hour cycle of daily life and minutia: work, cook, clean, meetings, appointments, kids, volunteer, etc. All those tasks fill up most of your days (and nights) and keep you in motion, but lead to a place called Not-Much-Fun-For-Me-Land.

A few years back I took a hard look at how I’d spent the previous few months. I made two lists:

#1 Time Suckers; all the ways I filled my days, and

#2 Things I Never Want to Do Again.

I learned that I’d wasted a lot of time, and pleasurable things happened much less than I realized.

to do list filled

Time Suckers:

Work
People
Volunteer/Committees/Appointments
Errands
Household tasks (cooking, cleaning, paying bills, etc.)
Standing/Waiting in line (for something/somebody)
Shopping
Watching television
Mindless reading
Mindless computer/internet surfing/playing
And a few other G-rated time suckers I’m embarrassed to list.

Someday…when the Prince of my dreams…

I’m ordinary, not royalty, so until I marry a Prince and inherit his kingdom, this is my life. Some items are necessary of course. And most of those Time Suckers actually bring me joy. But I knew that with a conscious shift in scheduling, the fat could be cut to make more time for the good stuff.

The Time Sucker list was the easy part. Just by lowering my self-imposed housecleaning standards, a fair amount of time opened up. My new motto: There is an acceptable amount of dog hair I can live with.

.Ruthlessly eliminate or reduce Time Suckers in your life. #BeFAT

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Just like any fat cutting diet, you will have withdrawal symptoms. I needed to agree with myself that getting rid of Time Suckers made me leaner, i.e. to do the things that really matter.

I hacked away at the list by consolidating tasks and shutting off the television. Then something big happened. I shifted from seeing my life as a fixed list of time sucking To Dos to the creation of a mini-manifesto:

10 Things I Never Want To Do Again

1. Work for someone on the 9 to 5 clock.

There are plenty of employment opportunities that don’t require a gatekeeper or time clock.

2. Work with people who don’t have a passion for the work we share.

Together we can move mountains, or furniture!

3. Work only for the money.

Money brings financial security but I’ve met plenty of miserable wealthy people.

4. Miss an opportunity to be with my family or friends.

A recital, ballgame or a dear friend just passing through town can never be bought back.

5. Excuse an opportunity to help someone.

There’s always someone worse off. We’re on this planet to help each other.

6. Miss the chance to travel.

The view is only so wide from my front porch.

7. Associate with crazy people.

This includes the mean-spirited, egocentric, selfish, angry, gossiping, vengeful, spiteful, unkind, or paranoid. For the record, I’ve been all of them and don’t ever want to be one again.

“I don’t do crazy any more.” #BeFAT

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8. Wait in line or for an appointment longer than required for the intended purpose.

Or make someone wait for me. Unless I got a flat tire on the way, it’s rude, arrogant and thoughtless to be late.

9. Be afraid to try something new.

And do it anyway. Not on a dare, but because I know it might be fun or provide real growth.

10. Take my mental or physical health for granted.

Be mindful that both need constant care and attention.

Writing this kind of list requires you to be a bit selfish, but, it’s your life, right?

Start simple

Listing 10 things you never want to do again is fairly easy. Putting your 10 things into practice is hard. Not everyone is going to be a fan of your list. And because you say “never want to do” doesn’t mean you never will. Let’s call this a lifetime achievement goal in the making.

I’m a big believer in starting small by doing ONE THING. Take a first step without becoming overwhelmed with an exhaustive list. Start with one thing you never want to do again in order to give you back some time to do something that truly makes you happy and adds quality to your life.

Write it down. Stick it on the fridge.

I never want to (THIS ONE THING) again in order to (THIS ONE THING) more often.

In the end, we are all looking to live a happy life, right? Make your lists. Please share at least ONE THING to encourage others to do the same.

Eliminate your Time Suckers to gain the time to do one thing that makes you happy.

BE F-G AWESOME TODAY!

Awesome Life
Awesome Choice

Original graphic: Stephanie DelTorchio