Good Enough Today

In big bold letters the bumper sticker said: “I am not good enough.”

This statement, of course is a “feeling”. A bad one. And it is self-inflicted.

The full-to-capacity crowd at the daily I Am Not Good Enough cocktail party were guests in my head. Shit, I hand wrote the invitations with a calligraphy pen. I opened the door to every negative thought, life-sucking emotion and self-defeating attitude that whispered my way. Together we wallowed and moaned over cheap hors d’oeuvres and watered down drinks. They partied hard, stayed late and left behind a mental hangover.

My party ran in syndication for years. You’d think there were awards, perks or residuals for such a long run. Instead I ended up depressed and isolated with deep wrinkles across my face. Even I didn’t want to be with me.

Feeling good enough (or worthy enough) is different than actually being good enough. I may feel good enough to play recreational basketball in an over-the-hill league, but being an over-the-hill, petite female, I am not good enough to play NBA basketball. Let’s be honest here.

I am not delusional, but I am hard on myself when it comes to feeling good enough to do most things. Especially my lifelong desire to become a writer.

It started when I was about 12 and ended one day, just like that, forty years later.

The doors to the I’m Not Good Enough party closed for good. I can’t explain how exactly, but the why is easy. Exhaustion overtook my life. The repetitive chattering, uttered nasty barbs of my own construct finally took its toll.

It was a start. And it didn’t happen in one swoop. Changing the rhetoric from

I’m not good enough, to

I’m good enough today

gave me the latitude I needed to accept that each day would bring its own challenges. With a new shift in attitude I could handle the inevitable trips and falls. Knowing I’d done my best that day (and some days I totally sucked) had to be good enough if I was going to get to the next day and the next.

It’s a new party.

I write every day. My stuff isn’t brilliant or award-winning and that doesn’t matter. I sit down, show up and put in the effort to get better. The whispers and chatter around me are none of my concern. They can bang on the door but they’re not getting in.

I am Good Enough Today. It’s a feeling. And it’s good one.

BE F-G AWESOME TODAY!

Awesome SELF-LOVE

Original graphic: Stephanie DelTorchio
Manifesto: kaleandchocolate.com