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FAQs and Answers

Over the years I’ve received lots of questions about me and my blog writings. I get some nice, and some weird ones. Some I really had to think about and others left me scratching my head.

Since you asked, here goes:

Is this blog your personal journey to enlightenment?

Truthfully, somedays I’m okay with finding a matching pair of socks.

I don’t get the blog name BeFAT. I’m insulted.

It’s a simple acronym that packs a wallop. It means to seize the heck out of THIS DAY, in spite of all the crap you’ve been through. One life. One time to do this. Don’t waste it. (Please read how BeFAT got its start)

I’ve had people of all shapes and sizes fight me on this…to NOT change the name of this blog, and trust me I have a long list of better names.

Here’s a little bit of tough love…

If you’re insulted by the name you don’t belong here. Your skin is too thin. You’ve been coddled too long. Your poop probably smells like roses. Nothing said here is going to change your thinking or make you smile. Move on to one of the millions of blogs that speak of rainbows and unicorns, joining hands and chanting. Ain’t happening here.

But if you’re open…here’s the definition of BeFAT in plain English.

BE —  Meaning “to exist”

FUCKING — The absolute best in-your-face adjective in existence for emphasis or expression

AWESOME — The most overused word in the English language to express something extremely impressive, daunting or inspiring great admiration

TODAY — NOW! Not yesterday, not tomorrow

I hope this makes sense. And I hope you join my email list.

Do you make a living writing this blog?

Hahahahahahaha…You’re sweet to think I write for the money. No.

Are you writing a book?

Yes. Always. Isn’t everyone?

Do you have a real job?

By “real” I’ll assume you mean doing something for actual dimes and quarters.

Yes. I research and create industry specific content for websites and other blogs. Also, I ghost write e-books, books, articles and posts for print and online.  There I need to exercise proper English, meticulous spelling checks and sentence structure. It’s all very professional, unlike this blog.

If you’re not a weirdo you can contact me about your writing project: .

Are your stories true?

Yes. I might change a few things to clarify or enhance the story but the meat and bones are honest and true.

Stories from my childhood are TRUE and accurate to the best of my recollection. I have several siblings who will go to their grave telling you everything I say here is a LIE. To that I say: ‘Write your own fucking story.”

Why the “F” word?

I didn’t say it for a long time. People, especially women who said it, made me cringe. “Unladylike” as my mother would say.

I admit it’s a cheap tossed out there lazy word when your brain doesn’t want to search for something deeper, with meaning, to show a sign of intelligence. Today I still hate hearing it dropped so casually or used as a filler.

But honestly in many circumstances it’s THE PERFECT WORD.

Let’s say a wheelbarrow falls from the sky and hits you on the head. Do you say: “Oh my goodness, that wheelbarrow just fell from the sky and hit me on my noggin”? Fuck no.

Dog or cat?

I’m a vegetarian.

Have you written other things besides this blog?

I’ve written four screenplays — one seemed eerily similar to a recent major award winner. Every writer says they’ve been ripped off. So there, I said it.

I’ve finished two novel drafts — neither have been edited to a final draft. Yet. One I wrote during the National Novel Writing Month challenge. I like that story. A lot.

My filing cabinet is stuffed with a gagillion posts and short essays.

I had a two year run with another blog, all essays. And I currently work on two other websites every day. One is under major construction that has nothing to do with writing.

And I finally finished a long overdue project co-authored with my spouse: Our Last Will and Power of Attorney.

Why don’t you have ads all over your blog?

What a sweet question. I hate clutter. If you leave crap around my house, expect to find it in the trash bucket neatly stowed by the garage door, on mats, to catch leaks and oozes.

Seriously, to answer your question, I think ads all over the place takes away from the purpose of the blog. Once I figure out what that is, I’ll be sure to let you know in a future FAQ.

Do you ever speak?

Only if the police officer asks, “M’am, have you been drinking?” The answer is always “No sir” although my erratic driving while swatting at a bumble bee might make one think so.

Do you answer your email?

I try to respond to as many of the nice people who write to me as possible, even if it’s just a ;-). These are my peeps. They get me. I get them. Only 1% are from nasty, anonymous angry people. First I look around to make sure they’re not peeking in the windows, then I laugh at the email, then I pray (for real) that they get help. And never paroled. Like, ever.

Is your work copyrighted?

My lawyer says I must say “Yes”. He only gets angry (and paid) to send letters when someone tries to republish anything on this website and pass it off as their own. So don’t do that okay?

Nothing here is going to solve world hunger or contain nuclear launch codes or promise statistical analyses on winning the lottery.

The work on this website is 100% mine and original unless I’ve attributed a quote or sited work to a really smart person, which is everybody but me. Quotes without attribution are mine, the exception being that if I’ve seen it elsewhere and admit to not knowing the source. Sadly, the rest of what you read here comes from my 10 pound head.

That said, you are welcome and encouraged to share this material with friends you actually like. Repost any of the graphics or writings on any social media platform so long as you (please) attribute the work back to the source of origin. This will make me (and Esquire Mike) happy.

I don’t think you’re funny, enlightened or wise. Plus, you look old.

It’s all true, but every day that I get to wake up, greet the crow’s feet in the mirror and pee on my own is a good friggin’ day.

Is it true you write these posts for your kids?

Yes. I’m putting all my knowledge and wisdom in a binder. Every last thought and ramble they wouldn’t sit and listen to when I was yelling at them, they’ll get when I die. Please don’t spoil the surprise. They think they’re inheriting the house, and cash.

Why don’t you have a DONATION BUTTON?

It’s weird to ask for a cash donation of $7 a month or post a “Buy me a cup of coffee” for $2 button as payment to read my rants.

Listen, I’m cool if you feel compelled to write a big fat check or name me in your will. I’ve got my eye on a little fixer-upper beach shack.

Otherwise, I’ll keep showing up here for free and wait for Oprah, a crazy book deal or the reading of your will.

Do you drink?

Every day.

Here is an article from Authority Nutrition on the 7 health benefits of drinking water. I like water really cold with sliced lemons and cucumbers.

And to be fair, from Prevention magazine 8 Reasons To Love Red Wine. Serve mine in a pretty bowled glass. A paper cup will do in a pinch.

7 vs 8. Just leaving that out there…

Can I buy you a beer?

If it comes with pizza, then hell, yes!

What’s your favorite color?

Really? Nobody has asked me this since the first grade.

I’d say anything chocolate covered.

What are you afraid of?

Can’t say, because the last time I answered that question I found a rubber snake under my pillow.

I hate everything you write. How much can I pay you to stop writing this blog?

Dear Crazy Person,

It was so sweet of you to take time out of your busy beautiful life to write me. To answer your question: Either A. Don’t read my shit, or B. Make me an offer. (Please see aforementioned “beach shack”.)

Until you write me again…Yours truly.

What is your favorite movie line of all time?

Ooh, that’s a good question. Too many to pick just one, but I’ll give you my top four:

For when the task at hand is severely underestimated:

“You’re gonna need a bigger boat.” JAWS

For when people play the victim:

“Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.” GONE WITH THE WIND

For when my husband still doesn’t get it after all these years:

“What you don’t know about women is a lot.” MOONSTRUCK

And finally, and I mean this, when I feel lost and confused and sad and disheartened and miserable and lonely and the fucking GPS recalculates:

“There’s no place like home.” THE WIZARD OF OZ

Are you an embarrassment to your children?

Oh, God, I hope so.